"You have Anorexia Nervosa. A serious eating disorder which can have life threatening consequences

At my worse with Anorexia

My battle with Anorexia Nervosa started when I was just 12 years old. I grew up in Hertfordshire with my amazing parents and my twin brother. My distress started from a very young age as I watched both my parents battle cancer. It was an extremely worrying time and I was faced with the fear that I could lose both of my parents before the age of 13. Thankfully, my parents battle through their illness and are both in remission and hopefully, will never have to fight the terrible disease ever again. I thought my "perfect" life was back; a life where I didn't have any worries. However, that was soon to change and I would be soon fighting for my life, battling a condition known as Anorexia Nervosa.

I can't remember exactly when my eating disorder took hold. There were a lot of contributing factors, I feel, that were the cause of my illness. I used to get up early in the morning, put  small pieces of cereal in a bowl, with a little milk and my parents thought I had eaten. I used to walk to school (40 minutes there, 40 minutes back).I started to throw my lunch away and used to spend my lunch breaks just walking around the play ground. Before my illness, I was a very sociable girl. I used to dance, play sport and spend time with

my friends; inside and outside of school. My mood started to decrease, I started falling asleep in lessons and I had absolutely no energy. I used to push my food around on the plate during dinner times, and I often threw the plate of food across the room. There was a devil in my head; a devil that wanted me to starve myself to death. All I could think of is how little I can get away with, how much exercise I can do and how I can disguise what was going on. At 12 years old, I didn't know what eating disorders were. For me, my illness was never about wanting to be thin; it was about control. I couldn't control anything else and food was the only thing, I felt, I could control. My weight started to decrease rapidly and my school teachers were getting very concerned. I was a bright girl, achieving straight A's. However, my grades were dropping, my concentration was non existence and I was preoccupied with anything to do with food, expect eating it. I used to walk around Waitrose, looking at the food. Part of me was so hungry, but part of my had become numb to the hunger signals. I was in my own little world, with Anorexia Nervosa; who I thought was my friend. I trusted her when she said she could help me to feel better. I trusted her when she said she is the only friend I need, and I trusted her when I was riddled with hunger pangs. I felt safe, secure. That's another 2kg loss; just 12 to go. Everything will be better when you're thin. It's just you and me now.

My teachers started to get concerned about my weight loss. They called me for a meeting and asked me to sit down. My teacher expressed her worries and that she suspected I had an eating disorder and my parents needed to be informed immediately. " Deny, deny, deny. Don't you dare let them find out about me. This is our secret, and our secret only. Secrets aren't meant to be shared, especially not this one. My teacher knew exactly what I was doing when I was denying that there was something wrong with me. She telephoned my parents and asked them to come in to see her immediately. My parents were distraught. I was very clever at hiding my weight loss. I used to wear 7 layers and 2 hoodies. My Mum dragged me to the Doctor's and that day, I was diagnosed with Anorexia Nervosa and referred urgently to CAMHS.

I attended CAMHS three times a week for 3 years. I didn't want to be there; I didn't want to change and I certainly didn't want to gain weight. My BMI was in the severely underweight category. I was weighed twice weekly, and I often cheated my weight by drinking gallons of water and putting weights in my pocket. I was on supervised meals, yet I still manage to hide the food in my underwear and under my sleeves. The Doctor stopped me from attending school as said I was physically too unwell. I spent my days confined to my bed, only emerging when I had appointments. My Mum left work to look after me. My weight was continuing to drop and I was at a point where I was refusing food and I was admitted to Starfish ward at Watford General Hospital. I was immediately placed on a drip and was made to stay. I've never felt so lonely. At this moment of my life, I was suicidal. I was fed up with the constant battle in my head, with the severe exhaustion. I couldn't think straight and could barely walk. The nurses removed everything that I could have harmed myself with and tried to get me medically stable. It was sit and eat with a nurse or get tube fed. I knew that the were not joking. I thought, if I can comply, as soon as I'm discharged, I can loose the weight again. This isn't forever. Every mouthful of food was agony. I cried until I had no tears left and the feeling of food in my stomach made me feel ever so uncomfortable and disgusting.

"I think Rhodes Farm could be the best place you." Rhodes Farm is an inpatient unit where they will won't discharge you until you're weight restored. I can't get fat. You cannot make me fat. No, no, no. I'd rather die than get fat. Please Doctor, you can't send me there. Please. I promise you I will work with my treatment team; I promise you I will gain weight; just give me a chance, please. It's not fair if you're going to admit me without giving me a chance to show you I can do this without going there. They agreed to give me 2 weeks to show them that I would comply with treatment.

The next few weeks were possible one of the hardest weeks of my life. I had home treatment from the Out-Reach team and a Psychiatrist and a Psychologist saw me daily in my home. I had to agree to eat 3,000 calories and to be weighed twice weekly. If I didn't gain weight, and didn't comply with admission, I would be sectioned. I tried my hardest, although they did think I gained more weight than I actually did. There were tears, a lot of tears. The police and ambulance weren't strangers to our house. I was mentally unstable and jumped out of the window after dinner just to exercise and burn some calories. I often collapsed with low blood pressure and was often taken into hospital to be given IV fluids.

Despite my best efforts, I was admitted to an inpatient unit at just 18, following an overdose. Everything just got too much. I was physically unwell due to the lack of food, my weight was low and I was at risk.I wasn't allowed my door shut, I had 15 minute obs, and anything I could have harmed myself was removed. I cried all night and a lovely nurse at on the floor with me all night and sat there until I fell asleep. Therapy was minimal and they just seemed to focus on feeding me. Yes it saved my life but it didn't address the psychological reasons behind my eating disorder. I was discharged when I was considered "safe" from a physical and psychological viewpoint and referred to the local eating disorder team.

During the height of my illness, I was often told that the eating disorder would cause long term health complications. I didn't believe a word. I should have done. My anorexia has caused me to have low bone density (osteopenia), cardiac issues, urinary retention, severe gynaecological complications, low blood pressure, IBS and fatigue.

Yes my BMI is healthier than what it used to be, but I feel, weight gain is just the first step. Anorexia is a psychological condition and weight is just a symptom of a deeper, underlying issue. I am working really hard in therapy to try and conquer this disorder. It was 12 years ago next month that I was diagnosed, and I don't think the illness will ever go away; I just hope I am able to control it.

I am now in my final year of my Psychology Degree. I gained a place to study Psychology at the University of Surrey, although 2 months into my second year, I had to return home as the eating disorder took control again and my depression got worse. I fight my battle each day and yes I have days where I want to give up, but I have to hang on to the hope that things can get better and that listening to the anorexic voice will just bring me nothing but ill health and unhappiness. I will never look at myself and think, " I'm going to stop now, I'm thin enough." Anorexia doesn't work like. I'm trying to learn that fat is a feeling and that I need to express my feelings instead of starving myself.

I want to be a Doctor and would love to study Medicine once I've finished my BSc Psychology Degree. I know that can only happen if I keep working towards health and happiness.

Eating Disorders are not glamorous. They have life threatening consequences. At the age of just 17, my blood sugar was so low that I was lucky not to have gone into a coma and I was extremely lucky that the overdose didn't kill me. When I have my bad days, I often wish it did, but I continue to fight my battle, in the hope that, one day, I will be able to take control and live a life away from the torment that is Anorexia.